“Desire can be spontaneous or responsive, and both are normal.
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Changes in sexual desire are a normal part of life, yet they are rarely talked about openly. If your interest in sex has faded, or feels very different from your partner's, you are far from alone, and it is something that can be explored with care.
This post looks at what low desire can feel like, why it happens, and how counselling and psychosexual therapy can help. It also covers what to expect from sessions, and when it may be worth speaking to your GP as well.
What low desire can feel like
There is no "right" amount of desire. What matters is whether the change is causing you, or your relationship, distress. People describe it in many different ways:
Feeling indifferent to sex, or noticing that sexual thoughts and fantasies have quietly disappeared
Wanting closeness and affection, but tensing up when touch might lead somewhere sexual
Going along with sex to keep the peace, then feeling flat, resentful or disconnected afterwards
Worrying that something is "wrong" with you, or comparing yourself with others
Avoiding bedtime, physical affection or certain conversations to sidestep the subject
For couples, a difference in desire can turn into a painful cycle. One partner may feel rejected or unwanted, while the other feels pressured or guilty. Over time, both can end up feeling lonely within the relationship, even when there is still a great deal of love.
Low desire can be lifelong, or it can appear after a particular point, such as having a baby, a bereavement, a health change or a difficult period at work. It can affect people of any gender, age or sexuality, and those who are single as well as those in relationships.
Why desire changes
Desire is shaped by our bodies, our minds, our relationships and our circumstances, usually all at once. It is rarely down to a single cause. Some of the things that can play a part include:
Stress and exhaustion, from work, caring responsibilities, money worries or simply having too much to hold
Emotional wellbeing, including anxiety, low mood or depression
The relationship itself, such as unresolved conflict, resentment, poor communication, or a loss of trust or closeness
Life transitions, such as pregnancy, becoming a parent, menopause, retirement or loss
Past experiences and beliefs, including messages about sex absorbed growing up, cultural or religious expectations, shame, or previous painful or unwanted sexual experiences
Body image and self-esteem, and how comfortable you feel in your own skin
Physical health and medication, which we look at further below
Understanding which of these are relevant for you is often the first step. It can also ease some of the self-blame that so often comes with low desire.
How therapy might help
Counselling offers a confidential, non-judgemental space to talk about something that can feel very private. You do not need to know what is causing the change, or have the right words for it, before you come. Working out what is going on is part of what we do together.
Therapy can help you to:
Make sense of your own experience of desire, rather than measuring it against an imagined norm
Explore the emotional, relational and life factors that may be affecting how you feel
Notice and gently question beliefs or past experiences that may be getting in the way
Reduce pressure, guilt and avoidance, which often keep low desire going
Communicate more openly with a partner about needs, boundaries and intimacy
Rediscover touch, closeness and pleasure in ways that feel safe and manageable
You can come on your own or with a partner. Individual sessions give you space to focus on yourself. Couples sessions can help both partners understand each other's experience and move away from the cycle of pursuit and withdrawal. Neither option is better; what suits you will depend on your situation, and we can think about this together at the start.
Therapy is not about pushing you towards a particular level of sexual activity. The aim is for you to feel more at ease with your sexuality and clearer about what you want, whatever that turns out to be.
What sessions involve
Many people feel nervous about talking about sex with someone new. Sessions go at your pace, and you will never be asked to share more than you feel ready to.
An initial assessment. In our first sessions, we talk about what has brought you to counselling, your history, your relationships and your general health. This helps us both understand the bigger picture and decide whether this kind of therapy is right for you.
Agreeing how we will work. We agree a working contract covering confidentiality and its limits, session length and frequency, and what you would like to get from therapy.
Ongoing sessions. These are talking-based. We explore your feelings, thoughts and experiences, and how they connect to your desire and intimacy. Where it is helpful, psychosexual therapy may include gentle exercises to try at home, at a pace you choose. Nothing physical ever takes place in the therapy room.
Reviewing progress. We check in regularly about how things are going and whether the focus needs to change.
The number of sessions varies from person to person. Some people find a shorter piece of work enough, while others benefit from more time. This is something we decide together.
I work in line with the BACP Ethical Framework for the Counselling Professions, and my practice is supported by regular clinical supervision.
When a medical assessment may also be appropriate
Desire is closely linked to physical health, so it can be helpful to see your GP alongside counselling. A medical check does not mean the cause is "all physical"; it simply makes sure nothing is overlooked.
It may be worth speaking to your GP if:
The change came on suddenly, or without any obvious reason
You have started a new medicine or hormonal contraception around the same time. The NHS notes that some medicines, including certain antidepressants and blood pressure treatments, can reduce sex drive (nidirect, NHS-approved health information). Please do not stop or change any medication without first talking to the person who prescribed it.
You are pregnant, have recently had a baby, are breastfeeding, or are going through perimenopause or menopause
You live with a long-term condition such as diabetes, heart disease or a thyroid problem, or have had cancer treatment or major surgery
You are also experiencing pain during sex, vaginal dryness or erection difficulties
You are feeling persistently low, hopeless or exhausted, which may point to depression
Alcohol or drug use may be playing a part
If something physical is contributing, it is still common for emotional and relational factors to be part of the picture too. Medical and therapeutic support often work well side by side, and with your consent I am happy to liaise with your GP where this would be helpful.
Taking the next step
Reaching out about something so personal can take courage. If any of this resonates, you are welcome to get in touch for an initial conversation. There is no obligation, and you can ask any questions you have about how I work.
I offer individual counselling, couples counselling, and psychosexual and relationship therapy from my practice in central Leeds and Online.
Monica Chiorascu | Integrative psychotherapist, MBACP
Therapy with Monica I hello@therapywithmonica.com
This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for mental health care. If you need urgent support, please contact your GP or Samaritans at 116 123.