Grief Isn’t Linear: What Nobody Tells You About Loss
“Grief is love with nowhere to go”
When clients arrive in therapy following a bereavement or significant loss, they often begin by saying, “I thought I’d be over it by now.”
There is an unspoken cultural expectation that grief moves neatly through stages — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance — and then, eventually, disappears. But grief doesn’t work like that. Grief is not a straight line; it is cyclical, relational, and deeply personal. And it doesn’t follow a schedule.
In my experience as a therapist, grief rarely arrives in tidy stages. It arrives in waves, in quiet moments, in anniversaries you didn’t remember you remembered, in everyday routines that suddenly feel like echoes of someone you loved.
Modern society tends to frame grief as something to move through and move past. Clients often internalise this, believing that the return of sadness — even years later — is a sign of personal failure or emotional weakness.
The NHS acknowledges that grief can last longer than many people expect and may return in fluctuating intensity. The BACP also encourages practitioners to support clients with non-pathologising grief work, recognising that profound and enduring emotional responses are a natural reflection of love and attachment, not dysfunction.
Contrary to common misconceptions:
Grief does not have an expiry date.
Acceptance is not a destination but a practice.
Feeling “okay” does not mean grief is gone — it simply means you're adapting to its presence.
Therapist and grief educator Megan Devine, author of It’s OK That You’re Not OK, describes grief as something you carry, not something you “get over.” This resonates deeply in therapeutic spaces. While models such as Kübler-Ross’s five stages can provide helpful language, they were never intended to serve as a strict framework. In fact, they were originally created to describe the emotional process of those facing their own death — not those left behind.
Clients often report that grief reactivates during life transitions: a wedding, the birth of a child, a major achievement. Moments of joy can unexpectedly awaken deep sadness. This is not regression; it is a reminder that grief and love are inextricably linked.
In the counselling room, grief may present in subtle or unexpected ways:
Persistent low mood, anxiety, or fatigue
Feelings of numbness or disconnection
Difficulty concentrating or sleeping
Guilt, shame, or anger (especially if the relationship with the deceased was complex)
A sense of not belonging or feeling “outside” of life
Grief may also surface years after the loss, particularly if it was suppressed at the time or followed by other significant life stressors. This is sometimes referred to as delayed grief, and it is just as valid.
Therapy provides a consistent, compassionate space to sit with the full experience of loss. As an integrative counsellor, my approach to grief work may involve:
Holding space for the complexity of the relationship — including ambivalence, unresolved conflict, or regret
Exploring meaning-making: How has the loss reshaped your worldview, identity, or sense of purpose?
Using creative tools: Journalling, letter-writing, or ritual to honour the relationship
Supporting emotional regulation: Especially when grief becomes overwhelming or destabilising
Working with the body: Grief is not only emotional but also somatic; clients often carry it physically
The goal is not to help someone “move on,” but to support them in learning how to live with their grief, without being consumed by it.
There may come a time when you laugh more than you cry, when memories bring warmth rather than devastation. But there may also be days when it still hurts — and that’s okay. Grief evolves. It integrates. It softens. But it never fully disappears, nor should it have to.
As therapist and author Francis Weller writes, “Grief is not a problem to be solved. It is a presence in the psyche awaiting our welcome.”
If you’re grieving and feel as though you “should be over it,” please know — there is no right way or right time to grieve. Loss touches every layer of who we are. It deserves care, patience, and the presence of someone who can witness it without needing to fix it.
Therapy can be a place to explore your grief at your own pace, with compassion and without judgement.
If you are navigating the weight of loss, you are not alone. You are invited to reach out.
Monica C | Integrative Counsellor, MBACP
Therapy with Monica | hello@therapywithmonica.com
This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for mental health care. If you need urgent support, contact your GP or the Samaritans at 116 123.